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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

child pretending to die

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

Climate change has been solved, peace has enveloped the Middle East and China has acknowledged that humans have rights after all, we can only assume.

In Britain, the government has completely ceased privatising the health service and education, it has stopped giving tax breaks to the rich, ended its deregulation of the fossil fuel industry, concluded its weapon sales to poor countries, withdrawn plans to build a ridiculously expensive and pointless high-speed railway, and given up any efforts to batter protesters with truncheons and/or murder badgers.

The nation’s citizens have agreed that public spending cuts are the best way to tackle the deficit and that it probably would be unfair to target super-rich bankers and corporate tax evaders instead.

No-one is planning to strike, no-one is planning to protest, everyone is happy and content and definitely not outraged at anything.

Least of all the government, who we can now agree are a nice bunch of people trying to do what’s in our best interest, since they are of course ignoring whoever it was that funded their election campaigns.

However, the lack of anything of note happening has created an unprecedented global news vacuum, leaving media organisations to use their ingenuity and refined journalistic skill to dig up alternate stories.

Kay Burley, a highly respected journalist of unquestionable moral integrity, told The Taxman: “Here at Sky News we were really worried that we would have nothing to report.

“But then we hacked the Queen’s phone and discovered that one of her eight grandchildren was getting married.

“Under normal circumstances, it could never be considered newsworthy. But our sources suggest that there won’t be any proper news until Saturday evening at the earliest.

“So I guess in the meantime we’ll just have to fill our 24/7 rolling news coverage with this wedding.”


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