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Nation In Shock As Politicians Use Words ‘Yes’ and ‘No’


The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was being treated for severe shock today after its politicians began using the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for the first time in living memory.

The country’s citizens began their descent into paralysed bewilderment on Friday when two of the aforementioned liars gave speeches on television in which they not only used the opposing exclamations, but attempted to persuade the rest of us to use them too.

Prime Arsehole David Cameron said: “No. No. No. No. No don’t vote for something that will make me less likely to be elected. No.

“It’s bad because I said so.”

Cameron’s deputy deceiver, Nick Clegg, countered: “Yes, yes. Please try not to let the fact that I’m endorsing Yes distract you from the fact that Yes is better.

“You know as well as I do that whichever voting system we use, there’s no chance in hell I’m going to get elected again.”

Other current and former politicians took Cameron and Clegg’s lead, each endorsing either the words Yes or No, but being careful not to use both words in the same sentence.

Ed Miliband, leader of the forgotten liars, said: “Yes. It means affirmative, positive, certainly, indubitably. I know because I looked it up in the dictionary.

“Now as far as I do think Clegg is an unspeakable ball ache, I can’t help but agree with him on this. Yes is better because it means the Tories will have to pay more to buy your vote.

“Yes is also better because it will force [Education Secretary] Michael Gove to put mental arithmetic back into the national curriculum.”

A random voter that hadn’t yet fainted, told us, here at The Taxman: “Let me get this straight. A bunch of politicians are trying to convince me to use the words Yes and No. Politicians. Politicians.

“Politicians. Politicians. Politicians. Politicians. Politicians. Politicians. Politic-ic-ic-ic-ic-ic-ic. Ullllccchhh.”

On arrival at St Mary’s Hospital, we asked a top doctor-type person to reassure us that the nation would be able to recover from its collective state of utter, total shock.

“Well, on 5th May, 2011, there’s going to be a referendum on whether or not we prefer the word Yes or No,” the white coat explained.

“In my humble opinion, the kind of people who go through life saying no to every opportunity they get, no matter how little or large of an improvement to their lives that that opportunity will make, those are the kinds of people who I don’t bother to resuscitate, because it’s better just to put the miserable, pathetic, depressed and lonely dinosaurs out of their pessimistic, repugnant misery.

“Luckily, the latest blood tests show that it’s only the positive, optimistic ones who are going to awake from their comas in time for the referendum.”


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