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Missing Child ‘Still Missing’

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Madeleine McCann – the British toddler who disappeared in Portugal – is still missing.

The news is a massive blow to anyone who wants to know what is actually happening in Britain at the moment.

“Nope, we definitely haven’t found her yet,” said Maddy’s father, Gerry McCann, as one of his other children played with fireworks.

“Keep looking,” he added.

The continent-wide appeal to find the blonde four-year-old has led to thousands of Madeleine lookalikes being abducted across Europe by people hoping to get a piece of that £2.5million reward. None of whom were our own reporters.

“Forget about the hundreds of other missing persons in Britain,” Mr McCann continued, as the entire populace of Iberia formed a human chain creating an image of Madeleine that could be seen by astronauts on the International Space Station.

All other news in Britain is being ignored until Madeleine is found. The BBC has relocated its newsroom to the Algarve and Fleet Street has nothing but tumbleweeds rolling across it.

The Daily Express is treating Madeleine’s disappearance as the biggest news story since the Second World War.

“Fuck Darfur, fuck global warming, fuck Gaza, fuck Tony Blair’s resignation – Madeleine is still fucking missing,” said BBC anchorman Huw Edwards as he introduced the Six O’Clock News last night.

Detective inspector Olegario de Sousa, leading the search for Madeleine, said his team still had plenty of leads.

“We have narrowed the possible locations of where Madeleine might be to just 14 countries,” he said at a press conference of some estimated 12,000 journalists.

Meanwhile the Madeleine Fund, launched on Wednesday, is set to surpass the total amount raised by 27 years of Children In Need. The money collected will be spent on ridding Madeleine’s parents of their overwhelming guilt.


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