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Memorial Service for 9/11 Survivors Who Endured Last Ten Years

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The 2,977 people killed by terrorists on 11th September 2001 marked the tenth anniversary of their deaths today with a sombre ceremony to remember those unfortunate survivors who have had to live through the last gruesome decade.

Scarcely able to comprehend their luck at avoiding the Bush presidency, the War on Terror, the erosion of civil liberties, the rise of stringent airport security, the proliferation of media scare stories, the greatest recession since the 1930s, the Tea Party, Simon Cowell and the worst effects of man-made climate change, 9/11 victims momentarily ceased their non-stop Afterlife party to reflect on the horror since suffered by those who didn’t die in the attacks.

The Taxman has been given unprecedented access to the Afterlife for our coverage of the tenth anniversary of 9/11, interviewing a handful of the tragedy’s joyous victims as they bask in the glory of their expertly-timed deaths.

United 93 passenger Terry Smith told us: “Oh man, it’s been a while since I spoke to a live person. You okay?

“If I were you I’d be on the verge of suicide. I mean, you actually have to live in the post-9/11 world, right? How on earth do you cope with Sarah Palin?”

Mr Smith, who carried several bottled drinks and a razor with him on to the plane before it was hijacked and the world went crazy, added: “You must all be on so many drugs. I know I would be.”

Another survivor, Dave Manly, was working for Cantor Fitzgerald on the 101st floor of the World Trade Center north tower when the first hijacked airliner struck. “There isn’t a day that goes by when I wish I had lived through the last ten years,” he explained.

“The timing of my death was perfect. I basically spent the whole of the Nineties drinking, travelling and sleeping around. It was a great time – Britney Spears was still hot, The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin were headlining ‘Mania.

“Then the millennium arrived and I had to get a proper job, in finance. So when I think about dying in 9/11, I think about how it saved me, not only from the Sex In The City movies, but also from a mind-numbingly dull career.”

When we asked a Pentagon victim if there was any downside to being dead, she said: “I feel a bit guilty, I guess, that I don’t have to sit and listen to all those fucking conspiracy theorists.

“We also have to make a lot of apologies. Every time another casualty from the War on Terror arrives here, we tell them we’re deeply sorry that they died for no good reason at all.

“But when these dead Afghans, dead Iraqis, dead soldiers, when they take a look around the Afterlife and realise there’s no reality television here, the smiles soon return to their faces.”

Not even the recent arrival of Osama Bin Laden has dampened spirits in the Afterlife.

New York firefighter Matt Lock said: “We were extremely concerned when we heard Bin Laden had been killed, but to be honest, he hasn’t bothered us at all.

“Bin Laden quickly realised that without the US government, capitalism, Christianity and Fox News there was really nothing for him to be angry about.

“In any case, he’s far too busy trying to find his 72 virgins to plot any more atrocities against us.”


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