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IMF Vows To Make Haitians Pay for Their Suffering


A fresh IMF loan has rocked Haiti this evening, even as the Caribbean nation continues to suffer from the devastation wrought by decades of previous debt repayments.

Initial reports suggest that Wednesday’s loan from the International Monetary Fund – measuring $102million on the capitalist scale – hit Haiti’s ruined capital city, Port-au-Prince, at 6pm local time.

Despite a promise that the so-called ‘gift’ would be interest-free and repayments would not be due for five years, Haiti’s economy is already crumbling under the pressure of its $891million debt and the IMF‘s move today is expected to have the same impact as a kick in the nuts.

“Hey, assholes, what was that for?” queried Haitian Prime Minister Jean-Max Bellerive. “What did we ever do to you?”

The IMF‘s response to an earthquake that has killed at least 170,000 people also includes pointing and laughing, name-calling and sticking the heads of survivors down makeshift toilets.

“Hahaha, look! They’re vomiting! Look at how skinny and poor they are! What a bunch of losers!” IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn announced at a meeting of world officials in Montreal today.

“What’s that? You want your debt cancelled? Yeah, okay. And we’ll also convert the Pope to Islam. While we’re doing that, you can all go screw yourselves.”

Measures imposed on Haiti by the IMF, in exchange for the joy of owing them yet more money, include polishing the shoes of IMF executives and handing over lunch tokens.

Since the arrival on the island of Hispaniola of legendary colonialist Christopher Columbus in 1492, Haiti’s indigenous peoples have been exterminated, its immigrant African population enslaved, its natural resources pillaged and its economic development stifled by unfair trade rules imposed by Western-run global institutions like the IMF.

Haiti owes the IMF money because the IMF are a bunch of bastardised bullies hell-bent on ensuring the countries first exploited by their forefathers remain at the mercy of their money-making empire for centuries to come.

Added IMF head Strauss-Kahn: “Hey, it’s not our fault a devastating earthquake struck Haiti. We don’t yield that much power!

“Not yet.”


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