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George Osborne Refuses To Flush His Shit

mr hankeyGeorge Osborne has said the hosepipe ban in southern and eastern England must remain in place – despite the fact it’s fucking pissing it down.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer vowed to ignore what was happening outside and has even added to our peril by banning the double-flush.

He said it was important to keep Britain in a needlessly austere state of water poverty because if we started using the life-giving liquid too much it might damage our ability to die of dehydration.

“We must not be fooled,” Osborne yelled reporters while standing behind a closed door in a room with no windows. “Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean we should start using water to do useful things.

“Doing useful things is exactly the sort of behaviour that caused this drought in the first place.”

Since he was put in charge of the Treasury two sad years ago, Osborne has frequently rejected calls from common sense experts to force water companies to fix leaks that are costing drinkers and washers 1,200 billion litres every year.

Instead he demanded that ordinary gardeners sacrifice their azaleas.

“Fixing leaks is all very well in principle, but if we fix too many leaks we run the risk of all the water moving abroad to places that have a more liberal approach to leak-fixing,” he continued to shout.

“In Switzerland for example, they don’t have any water pipes at all, they just let it flow down mountains and the Swiss have to collect it all in buckets.

“I think they’ve got the right idea.”

Talking to The Taxman prior to Thursday’s mayoral election, Boris Johnson agreed with the chancellor, but went further and suggested that all rain should be harvested by a giant funnel and piped directly to a big tank in the City of London, where it would remain until it evaporated.

“If I am elected on Thursday, this is exactly what I will do,” the Mayor of London told us.

“I think it is in London’s best interests if we are only allowed to use water for washing our hair.”


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