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Gaza Doesn’t Exist and Neither Does Your Mother, IDF Spokesperson Claims

milk, dark and white Chocolate

We’re all a bunch of Jew-hating Nazis who deserve to die and if we say anything nasty about Israel again we’re going to be sorry, very sorry.

That was the stern “off-the-record” warning to journalists today from Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has also just offered us half-price tickets to the World Cup Final and a free bottle of Kosher wine.

A year’s supply of chocolate and a weekend stay for two at Tel Aviv’s finest hotel were the gifts we, here at The Taxman, have forsaken in order to write a critical story on the Israeli occupation of Palestinian land and the illegal incarceration of 1.5 million people in Gaza.

Oh, and about how the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) slaughtered nine activists last week.

And how the blockade of Gaza is a completely unjustifiable humanitarian atrocity being perpetrated by the Israeli state, economically supported by the European Union and with an army equipped by the United States of America.

And how the Israeli media machine is trying to con the world.

“We have boarded a ship without killing anyone,” a spokesperson for the IDF gleefully claimed yesterday. “This proves beyond doubt that the massacre we enacted while boarding a ship last week was completely not our fault [sic].”

Asked why a foreign military force should be boarding a ship carrying aid to a starving population anyway, and whether it was Israel policy to slowly torture the Gazan people to death, the IDF spokesperson told us: “Now you listen here, you cheeky piece of journo shit, Gaza doesn’t exist. Okay?

“Gaza isn’t even on the map. It goes: Israel, massive fucking concrete wall, then the Mediterranean Sea. Got it? Now if you mention Gaza again you’re mother isn’t going to exist either.”

Asked why Israel wants to make the Gazan people suffer so horribly inside the world’s biggest open-air prison, the IDF spokesperson said: “Mother – dead.”

And when we asked Hamas, the elected rulers of Gaza, if we could speak to a press officer, a telephone operator told us that she had never been asked that before and are you really a British journalist because no one ever calls us to put across our side of the story.

“This must be some kind of wind-up,” a Hamas spokesperson eventually informed us.

Meanwhile, British Petroleum has defended Israel’s massacre on a boat, saying any other evil regime would have done exactly the same.


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