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Gay Marriages ‘Can Take Place In Archbishop’s Closet’

Archbishop exits closetThe Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.

“We have to be very clear about homophobia,” the former oil magnate told a sermon to mark his inauguration.

“In God’s eyes, everyone is equal except the gays, but if they were to pretend to be straight, they could do what they want.”

Archbishop Welby said the Church was “very firm” on its view about marriage, but that he had had a word with Pope Francis, whose own inauguration was held on Tuesday.

“The Pope reminded me that God works in mysterious ways, and that closets were the best place to experience that mystery.

“I told Pope Francis that the Anglican Church was not quite as salacious as they are in Rome these days, but that closet weddings might become a regular event in my bedroom.

“I could even conduct them in my silk pyjamas.”

Prime Minister David Cameron and the Prince of Wales were among the 2,000 guests at Canterbury Cathedral today and, after the Archbishop’s sermon, the pair looked at each other quizzically before both making a dash for the gents.

The occasion was also notable for the involvement of someone without a penis.

The Venerable Sheila Watson, Archdeacon of Canterbury, carried out one of the two enthronements when she installed the archbishop on the diocesan throne.

“Steady on love,” Welby told her. “You can’t just pray that the dinner will cook itself.”

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