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Fake Story Was Written By Illegal Immigrant, Claims Paul Dacre

paul dacre, wanker

A fake story with fake quotes reporting the opposite of what actually happened was written by an illegal immigrant whom the Daily Mail was forced to employ because he owned a cat, the newspaper’s sadistic editor has explained.

Paul Dacre, a Grade A moron with a tiny penis, said the story which reported on Amanda Knox’s failed appeal immediately after the appeal succeeded was exactly the kind of mistake he would expect a coloured person from the jungle to make.

“We’re a family newspaper that prides itself on honest, wholesome values of journalism,” Dacre told The Taxman, a newspaper which also makes stuff up but doesn’t pretend to be anything else.

“The Daily Mail is determined to root out lies, deceit and gay people, which is why, when we realised what had happened, we left this 100 percent incorrect story on our website for several hours.

“The immigrant responsible has since been vaporised. He never existed and the story we wrote we didn’t write because you can go on our website now and there’s absolutely no sign of it ever being there.”

Dacre added that he had only employed the immigrant which didn’t exist because his cat, which no longer exists, hypnotised him using the Human Rights Act.

James Cracknell, editor of The Taxman, wrote this on his laptop: “Yeah, see, thing is, there’s a disclaimer at the bottom of this page which allows us to make things up.

“Funny, that, because there’s more truth in one paragraph of a Taxman news story than there is in the Daily Mail‘s entire archive.

“And yet, a restaurant poisons its customers, it gets shut down. A car dealer fixes the mileage of its cars, it gets shut down. A builder skimps on materials, he gets exposed on a cowboys TV show.

“Unfortunately for everyone, the Press Complaints Commission loves tiny cock.”

Dacre, who is also very bald, countered: “I tell you what, you cunt, my penis isn’t tiny whatsoever and this is the coldest October on record because the Met Office is trying to con us.”


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