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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

The white cliffs of DoverAbout 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

Witnesses said they saw the workforce exit the department’s Marsham Street offices in Westminster shortly after 9am.

One recounted: “They were in single file, led out first by [Home Secretary] Theresa May and her other ministers, then by the top civil servants and so on until the receptionist walked out and locked the front door behind her.

“It was quite eerie, it was almost as if they were entranced. I asked one of the cleaners where everyone was going and he just said ‘Dover’ and carried on walking.”

Further witness reports throughout the day indicate that the department’s entire roster of staff had collectively walked to the nearest Barclays Cycle Hire docking station, taken the nearest available bike, and promptly cycled through London and, subsequently, the county of Kent.

An extraordinarily long convoy of Boris Bikes was spotted in Dartford, Gillingham and Canterbury before all 11,227 staff arrived in Dover shortly after dusk.

No sightings of the department’s employees have been made since.

However, moments before vacating their premises, many Home Office staff were known to have been busy preparing for the extradition to the United States of Babar Ahmad and Talha Ahsan, who have been detained without charge since 2004 and 2006 respectively.

This was after the High Court rejected a bid to try the British citizens privately in the UK and an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights was denied.

Ahmad and Ahsan have never set foot in America but the US government has demanded they be tried there on terror charges because Babar once read a story about Osama Bin Laden in Starbucks and Talha once sent a text message to someone in Afghanistan while watching an episode of CSI Miami.

A White House spokesman told The Taxman: “We can confirm that we ordered the Home Office to send those terrorist scumbags to us immediately, else we’d fuck them up.

“If anyone in your little tiny country has a problem with that, you can contact our complaints department at No.1, We Don’t Give A Damn Boulevard, USA.

“Am I making myself clear, limey? Am I? You know who your boss is, right? Say it. Say that I’m your boss. Are you listening to me, limey?


In a statement, a spokesman for Kent Police said he had no bloody idea how or why 11,227 Home Office staff had all suddenly just disappeared in Dover, because he was too busy trying to find a five-year-old girl in Wales.


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