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Daily Mail Dethrones Royal Mail

Paul Dacre's head on a stampThe ‘royal’ in ‘Royal Mail’ is set to be lost after 497 years of regal service thanks to a gaggle of conspiring newspaper bosses who have stamped their authority all over our post.

Editors, led by the Daily Mail‘s Paul Dacre, have bought thousands of shares in the recently-privatised firm, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

They allege that anything with the word ‘royal’ in it must be bad on principle, without any consideration for how it might function in reality.

The Royal Mail will now be known simply as The Mail, and its stamps will bear the head of Paul Dacre instead of Her Majesty the Queen.

“Services such as The Mail that provide an important public service, and a key part of a healthy democracy, should not be controlled or influenced in any way by the public,” Dacre told one of his deputies to say.

“Public services should be provided by the private sector, just as laws should be made by the private organisations that will be regulated by them, instead of by lawmakers.

“This will allow us to open all of your letters, read them, edit them and put large, exaggerated addresses in big, bold caps on the envelopes.”

The newspaper editors said that if we didn’t like them distorting our post we could stop writing letters and start sending emails instead.

“Of course, we support any state intervention that doesn’t affect our profits, and that’s why we haven’t made a fuss about the government’s attempts to read you emails,” explained Dacre’s deputy distorter.

“That’s the beauty of competition: If you don’t like it, you’ve always got a choice of being screwed over by someone else.”

The freedom of The Mail to rewrite people’s letters was a sacred freedom enshrined in British culture, Dacre’s dog added.

“How dare the Queen attempt to prevent us from telling lies,” he barked.

“We must write our own rules, for our own industry, so that Her Majesty shall never stick her head on our mail again!”

Labour leader Ed Miliband demanded a right of reply, but fell victim to a mix-up at the Post Office.

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