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Conversation Groups Speechless

Conversation Groups SpeechlessAwkward silences are spreading rapidly across Britain, but conversation groups are saying nothing.

The lack of banter is now so severe it threatens to make extinct several chatterbox species, including even the receptionist.

“I don’t know what to say,” an unusually sombre radio DJ grudgingly told us, here at The Taxman.

“I mean, I just, oh God, please let me hang up.”

Tumbleweeds are rolling through pubs, water coolers have been abandoned and hairdressers are cutting people’s hair.

Adding to the mystery, people living in some of Britain’s national parks have reported hearing the echoes of ancient conversations that took place hundreds, if not thousands, of years ago.

The UK Conversation Umbrella Trust (UKCUT) refused to comment for several days but this morning released a statement, via Morse code. It announced it would be applying for World Communication Status.

“Morse code will from now on be the only method of conversation allowed in Britain,” said the UKCUT dispatch.

“It remains the oldest and most cherished form of conversation, often eulogised in popular films, and is surely the most beautiful and eloquent way of conducting a two-way dialogue with another transmitter.

“End of.”

Asked to respond to growing fears that no-one in Britain would know how to communicate with one another, communications minister Ed Vaizey performed an interpretive dance in the House of Commons. The display was recorded by Hansard.

“Silence, is golden, like the sun,” it began.

“Conversations, where they sprout, will be drowned out by the soothing sound of grazing farm animals.

Baaa. Baaa. Baaa.

“Someone get help I think I’ve broken my hip.”

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