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Chess Extremists Slaughter Tiddlywinks Player

Deadly rook

Two chess extremists brutally murdered a tiddlywinks player in front of dozens of shocked onlookers.

The pair brandished a range of sharpened implements, including rooks, as the tiddlywinker lay dying in the street. Reports suggest one of the chess players may even have possessed a queen.

Police arrested the attackers shortly before one of their pawns reached the end of the street.

The terrible act of terrifying terrorism occurred directly outside a community hall where tiddlywinks tournaments are known to take place on a regular basis.

The victim, as yet unnamed, was allegedly wearing an ‘I Love War’ t-shirt.

In video footage obtained by The Taxman using blackmail, one of the chess players is seen talking about why they committed the atrocity, shortly before police arrived.

He said: “Waah holoholabah erugh dubedobedo!

“David Cameron blaaah! Government pow! Afghanistan bang bang boom!

“Check mate check mate check mate check mate check mate check mate.”

In the hours following the terrifying terror attack, tiddlywinks players have been warned not to flick any counters into cups in public.

Sales of I Love War t-shirts have also exploded as people across the country unite in solidarity against chess players in the Middle East.

Grandmasters condemned the attack, despite secretly sharpening their pawns in preparation for their next atrocity.

One former British chess champion attempted to defend his pathetic board game. He said: “These two murderers have misused chess. They have clearly not understood the rules.

“Chess is about advancing your army on the opponent, taking all their resources and expelling the king.”

Home Secretary Theresa May said today’s atrocity proved that the government needed to shut down extreme chess clubs, steal everyone’s laptop and invade Iran using horses and clergymen.

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