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Celebrities Agree Truce With Media, But We Know Nothing

gagged and dangerous

Britain’s celebrities have agreed not to sue the News of the World, or any other tabloid newspaper ever again, so long as the media stops trying to overturn super, large and even regular-sized injunctions. Apparently.

You didn’t hear this from us, here at The Taxman, but the police will now stop their investigation into the Sunday paper’s phone hacking crimes, while the media will stop trying to publish anything scandalous that may or may not be the subject of any kind of injunction that we might know about but are not allowed to report on. Allegedly.

This is all basically just heresy, but, the Celebrities Opposed to Newspapers’ Fiction United Together in England (Confute) group have possibly taken out an injunction banning the reporting of the fact that they’ve agreed to stop suing everyone so long as they can still take out injunctions. Maybe.

Max Mosley told his secretary last night: “You know, I think we might finally have cracked it. They’ll stop attacking our right to ban freedom of speech so long as we stop attacking their right to invade our privacy.

“Wait, do you hear someone breathing? Hey, Coulson, is that you? I’m gonna get you one day, Coulson. Mark my words, I’m going to fucking kidnap your family and lock them in my sex chamber.

“Ha, I’d like to see you write about that, bitch! Oh, wait, no please don’t.”

Ryan Giggs added: “Hey darling, it’s me, Giggsy. Hi. Yeah I’m okay. What are you wearing? Ohhh, nice. Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that they won’t be bothering us anymore on Twitter. It’s all sorted.

“Let’s meet up for a marathon sex session tonight to celebrate, Giggsy style. Yeah, that’s right. In my face.

“Okay bye mum see you soon.”

Confute released a statement this morning, about their mission to win privacy and steal freedoms, but imposed a ban on anyone reporting on it immediately afterwards.

Well, screw them. Here’s the statement: “Just ’cause we’re famous and better than you, doesn’t give you the right to talk about us rigging sports fixtures or shagging the chief executive of that company you prop up with your taxes.

“No, being famous gives us the right to fuck with your mind, and then ban your mind from being fucked with.”


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