Cameron Bald Patch ‘Should Definitely Not Be Used As a Metaphor’
Downing Street has warned journalists, bloggers and The Taxman‘s caretaker that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should the bald patch now visible on the prime minister’s cranium be used as any kind of metaphor, not even for the gaping chasm of intelligence at the heart of this new government.
Although David Cameron’s furious and hysterical spending cuts will soon leave Britain with barely a single hair follicle to cling on to, it would be totally inappropriate to compare Cameron’s receding hairline with the most drastic and alarming reduction in public services since the Interregnum of 1649-60.
Even if Cameron were to completely over-react to his sudden hair loss and request a ‘number one all over’ at the barbers, it would certainly not be a reflection of his futile and counter-productive bid to reduce the deficit.
“No, that wouldn’t be funny. Do you see me laughing?” spluttered a spokeswoman from Number 10. “Oh, yeah, that’s hilarious. Whoopey-fucking-do. You’re such a smug bastard, aren’t you?”
Other metaphors that we’ve been told are completely out-of-the-question and should not be published anywhere, include the complete absence of evidence in forming policies which purport to cure baldness but are really just a toupee with extra-strong glue.
And the launching of new initiatives with fancy branding and glossy presentation by slick fresh-faced ministers could not possibly be misinterpreted as a comb-over of Thatcherite policies with a slight orange tinge to distract you from the fact that they are pure fucking evil.
“Yes, Mr Caretaker, that is a really, really good example of exactly what you shouldn’t be uploading to your website right now,” continued the Downing Street spokeswoman.
“This is a new government, and everything is shiny and new and nothing like what happened before under Labour when they widened the poverty gap and continued to sell-off our national infrastructure.
“None of our ministers have any intention of doing exactly the same thing, but just in a different, frighteningly evasive way to distract you from the truth.
“The truth that this government is not just going to cut public services to the bone, it’s going to remove the scalp and eat your brains.”
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