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Cameron Asks Britain Out for Dinner

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David Cameron has unveiled the winning entries in the Conservative Party’s nationwide policy hunt.

Speaking blindfolded while balancing on one leg, to an audience of bribed psychiatric patients, in a room lit with scented candles, at Battersea Power Station, the Tory leader announced this morning that his party’s election manifesto now contained something.

“Britain, have I got an amazing offer for you,” said Cameron, his eyes darting around the room to see who might be interested.

“We’ve been asking members of the public to write to us with their policy ideas for the last four years, and here today, I announce the winning entries.

“Top of the list is five-year-old Tommy Sherman’s suggestion to ‘help everyone and give me free ice cream’.

“Well, the good news Tommy is that we are indeed going to help everyone. But we’re out of Cornettos, sorry.”

Cameron said the other winning policies, forming the basis of the Conservative Party’s 2010 election manifesto, were ‘make things better’, ‘be nice’, ‘leave us alone’ and ‘put bad people in jail’.

He continued: “This is what I have to offer you, Britain. Now let me take you out for dinner. Voters, let me wine and dine you.

“Buy me, buy me.”

Party strategists welcomed the replacement of Cameron’s policy vacuum with a gaseous manifesto clearly convecting the thermal agenda of a new Tory diffusion.

“If Cameron’s hot air keeps people warm, they’ll vote for him,” said a Conservative source. “Cuddly.”

To accompany the manifesto launch, a new billboard advertisement will ask voters: “Are you old or young, rich or poor, black or white, man or woman, homosexual or homophobic, all or none of the above?

“If so,” it continues, “vote Conservative. We are scientifically proven to remove up to 92 percent more of public services than any other political party in the UK today.”

Closing his speech to a crowd of people at a disused power station, Cameron said: “Anyone need a second-hand car?

“It’s got slashed tyres, no seatbelts, innumerable dents and scratches and bits of tape holding it together, no steering wheel,  a crumpled bonnet,  a smashed windscreen, an engine that makes a strange whirring noise when you turn it on as if it might imminently explode, failing brakes and lights that don’t work.

“Your parents took the car for a test drive in the 80s and 90s, remember? It was fucking terrible and they almost died. It hasn’t passed an MOT since 1906 and it’s covered in police tape.

“But don’t worry about all that, coz she’s a beauty, I’m tellin’ ya. All you have to do is vote for me, Davey Cam, and she’ll be all yours.



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