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Bush Declares War On Kyrgyzstan

A mock McDonald's sign in Kyrgyz mountains

US President George W. Bush has declared war on the Republic of Kyrgyzstan.

The exact reason why Bush has targeted the former Soviet republic as the next victim in the War on Terror is unclear, but the president gave a statement yesterday.

“I have been informed by my advisers that Kry-jip-sit-stan has been developing weapons of mass destruction.

“We must seize these weapons and take them back to the White House,” Bush tried to explain.

“But more importantly, I am concerned that there is not a single McDonald’s restaurant in Kack-gyz-stan. Something must be done about this.

“Ah yes, and my new pal Arnie Swat-my-sticker said there were some crazy people in Krock-gy-stan that need dealing with. He’s Australian you know. That’s right.

“So, yes, this more than justifies the attack and total destruction of civilisation in Kock-my-stanley. That’s it, I’ll see you all tomorrow for my victory speech.”

Not one to turn down a new lead we, here at The Taxman, went to California and asked Arnold Schwarzenegger himself about the breaking news.

“Yah, I have a problem with the people of Kr-Kyr- this country. I conducted a survey there myself which said that 98 percent of these people would rather farm their crops and feed their children than watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

“These people must be bombed.”

The US isn’t likely to go to war without the UK, or rather, win a war without the UK, so to complete our report on this story we went to Downing Street and asked Prime Minister Tony Blair what his thoughts were.

“He’s done what now? Er, I mean, yes, of course I support, the president, and will stand by him, through, this fully, justified, war, with, um, that country.

The British military will travel to, um, that place, and do their, best, to save, as many, American, troops, as possible.

“America is our friend and ally, and they, can, always, rely, on us, to do, their, dirty work. This war, will, be won. We, will, prevail. And, we will, succeed, in, the War, on Terror. Thank you, persons of the media.

“No more questions please I’ve got some ministers to fire.”

Once again The Taxman brings you the full story and have no doubt that we will be the first newspaper to bring you the latest news from Kyrgyzstan, because we have just sent two of our best reporters to the canteen where they can watch Sky News.

The official pronunciation of Kyrgyzstan is still unknown.


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