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Bonkers Scientists Say World Will End ‘Soon’

Typhoon BhopaBatshit crazy scientists have said we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what ‘evidence’ indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it.

Citing a modern text which portends doom based on something called ‘the laws of physics’, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species.

“It’s because we’ve been polluting the atmosphere,” one of the deranged nerds told us, here at The Taxman, as he studied an ice core from Antarctica as if it actually held some sort of vital information that would help us predict the future.

“All of the evidence we have collectively gathered across the entire spectrum of modern science points toward there being a mass extinction event caused by a rapidly warming planet, itself caused by the gases we have emitted through our industrial processes since the 17th Century or so.

“I suggest that we should start preparing for this disaster now, before it’s too late.”

The vagueness of the scientific prediction has been seized upon by right-thinking critics as very good reason for why such an apocalypse won’t ever happen. Anyone with any ounce of common sense will point to the lack of an exact time-frame as proof the scientists are totally bonkers.

An expert in logic said: “Oh sure, like we’re meant to believe the world’s about to end? Like, really? Are they crazy?

“If we were on the brink of an apocalypse that could wipe out 95 percent of every living thing on Earth, surely these so-called ‘scientists’ would be able to tell us the exact date of when it will happen?

“All they ever say is ‘soon’, or ‘within the next century’, which, if you ask me, is proof enough that they’re just deranged lunatics who will realise, come midnight on 21st December, that their theory is total balderdash.”

In order to protect ourselves against impending catastrophe, the scientists say we should build mammoth flood defences and provide financial assistance to areas that will be worst affected, as well as taking action to try and prevent the apocalypse from actually happening in the first place.

“And that’s another thing,” continued the devout rationalist. “Why bother saying there’s going to be an apocalypse if there’s actually a way we could stop it from happening and save ourselves from these cataclysms the scientists keep going on about?

“Surely the whole point about the end of the world is that there’s nothing you can do about it so you might as well just sit at home and wait for death.”

Drilling deep down into the Earth’s crust so as to cause earthquakes, poison the water supply and extract a gas which will cook us all to death were we to burn enough of it is another activity the scientists say is not helping us to avoid the end of the world.

Added our master of truth: “Come on then, you science freaks, if the world really is going to end why don’t you put your money where you mouth is and just tell us when it will happen? Eh?

“That’s if you’re not just making it all up to scare us, of course.”

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