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Badgers Agree To Cull Humans In Bid To Stop Spread Of Idiocy

badgers holding rifles

The nation’s top badgers have agreed to a widespread cull of human beings in a bid to stop rampant idiocy getting out of control.

The move was made amid fears that humans are passing their idiocy down the food chain to more important animals such as earthworms and hedgehogs.

At the Badgers Against Idiocy Trust (Bait) meeting this morning, head badger, Bidge Bodge, said it was about bloody time we got to grips with this terrible disease afflicting the enormous but severely underused brains of people.

“Bish bosh, that’s what we should do. On the head. Until they die,” she said. “The idiocy has to stop. Can you believe it? If our brains were that big, we would think.

“It’s a shame humans don’t use their brains to think. Imagine what they could achieve if they did.”

There was unanimous agreement among the set-owning badgers of Bait that humans should all be killed with rifles and wooden spoons, and their battered bodies eaten by starved foxes.

“Our number one priority should be to protect earthworms, insects, mice, dead birds, strawberries and hedgehogs, because they are all a higher class of creature and should be protected from idiocy at all costs,” said Miss Bodge.

“And then we can eat them safely.”

A report commissioned by Bait showed killing humans would reduce levels of idiocy initially, but be counter-productive in the long term.

Continued Miss Bodge: “Our research has shown that as soon we start killing humans, they will flee in all directions and hasten the spread of idiocy.

“Despite this obvious flaw, and the fact that killing things is not very nice, we’re going to plough ahead anyway because we’re badgers and we’re not supposed to be clever and considerate.

“We’re also very fond of killing.”

Human, Caroline Spelman, reacted: “This is a huge setback for the government as we were planning to infect every living creature on this island with intoxicating, overwhelming idiocy.

“Sadly, it seems some of you lot are more intelligent than we had anticipated.”

She added: “Oh good god, what is that? What is that? No, no, don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me.”


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