Baby Prince Faces Certain Future
Although for the moment parents Kate and Wills can never be quite sure when the third-in-line to the throne is going to piss all over them mid nappy change, if there’s ever been anything in life that’s certain, it’s that this kid is never going to owe money to the Student Loan Company.
He’s also not going to struggle with his commute to work because of aged train tracks buckling in hot weather, or be left on hold for an hour while trying to query another extortionate bill from Thames Water.
These are all certainties as true as the Earth going round the Sun and the eventual baldness of Prince George’s daddy.
An expert in facts explained to us, here at The Taxman: “Despite possessing freewill like everyone else with a functioning brain, this baby is one day going to support the military.
“Other people might question the role of an army which is frequently sent to kill poor people in countries that have nothing to do with us, but not this Prince. He just isn’t going to do that. Fact.
“Same as he will marry a white woman from an upper-middle class background, and believe in a Christian god, and secretly hate the media.
“As reliable as night following day and politicians breaking promises, this kid is going to be a well-mannered, bright, articulate, brain-washed freak who will never have their home compulsorily purchased by Heathrow Airport to build a third runway.
Prince George’s fate was sealed the moment he was born, and nothing – not even building a time machine – is going to change his life’s course.
“Except,” added the fact expert, “maybe he could, if he was only able to, possibly he might –
“Nah, forget it, it’ll never happen. Have a good life, kiddo.
“Make every moment count.”