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Assad Don’t Kill People, Drones Do

ObamamasterUS President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

Kicking back in the White House with a cold one, Obama appeared live on the Titantron during an episode of WWE Monday Night Raw. He said: “So, Bashar, you think you’re one of the big boys now, eh?

“You think bombing Homs to smithereens, brutally targeting opposition strongholds with shells and mowing down protestors with gunfire is impressive, huh? Really? Is that the best you got?

“Look, jabroni, why don’t you observe the Obamaster. See this PS3 controller? All I do is press triangle, square, R1, cross, L2, and I can carefully eliminate this school in Afghanistan.

“Now don’t make come down there and kick your ass all over the Middle East.”

Hilary Clinton, stood behind Obama, made a slow cut-throat gesture during the monologue before the pair ended their promo with three synchronised crotch chops, each more voracious than the previous.

Assad, who watched the show from the comfort of his presidential palace in Damascus, responded by shelling several retirement homes, a hospital and an orphanage.

He told his state television network: “Look at little Barack, sat up there fiddling with his games consoles and his headsets. I pity him.

“He fluked a win over Bin Laden, he cheated to pin Gaddafi, now he’s acting like he’s the Bushmeister.

“Except he ain’t. A failed UN resolution never stopped ol’ George. Did it, Barack?

“Truth is, you’re running scared. You’re running away, you’re a fraud. You want some? Come get some.”

British Foreign Secretary William Hague, on commentary, exclaimed: “Assad! Assad! Assad! Can anybody out there stop this monster? Is anyone man enough to face the Syrian Sheller?

“To find out, tune in to Middle East Mania, this Sunday, LIVE on Terrorvision.”


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