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It’s all your fault!

More boiling water than neededGood day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately.

The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you.

If it wasn’t for you and your stinking cars, your low-budget airlines and your fucking dirty oil rigs, we wouldn’t be in this bloody mess.

Look. Look around. Children are dying because of you, you fuck. Every time you boil more water than you need, another one pops it. Dead. Because of YOU.

That’s why it is so important that you reduce you carbon footprint immediately. Please recycle, please change those inefficient light bulbs, get loft insulation, get solar panels, get a fucking wind turbine. Do all of it. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to tax the fucking shit out of you. Oops, too late.

And while you’re busy reducing the price – sorry, demand – for carbon, you must trust Her Majesty’s government that all of this coal and oil and stuff we keep digging up is going to be kept safe and secure from anyone who might dare burn it.

You must trust us that building more airport runways is in your best interests. You must trust us that the best way to cut car traffic is to build more roads, not silly little railways. You must trust us that prospecting for new oil wells and subsidising the coal industry is the right decision for our future.

Oh, and while we’re at it, we need you to keep buying stuff. Yeah, that’s it; stuff. We need you to fill all your homes with pointless, plastic crap that’s going to break the moment you switch it on. Lest we risk compromising on our long-term economic growth. Perish the thought, squire!

Oi!! Is that a saucepan with no lid? You fucking murderer.

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