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We’ll all be subconsciously inclined to leave the TV on standby

A 4x4 that only gets driven in warm weather

Jesus. I ventured outside yesterday for the first time since I got back from China. My balls may have defrosted in March, but my mind has been buried in an iceberg of frozen coy carp since January. I ate them with chips.

Now thankfully, the nightmare of our brutish winter is over, and I am full of the joys of spring. New woman. New passport. New aquatic species imported from Portugal (they’re great at diving). Here’s your seven-day forecast.

Weekend

I’ve just read a report from a right-wing think tank – sponsored by EasyJet – which says that increasing temperatures, are, in fact, the cause of carbon emissions, and not the other way around. After all, it argues, the more sunshine there is in Majorca the more we’ll all want to hop on a plane and go there to enjoy it.

But with this in mind, I took the Met Office prediction of a hot and dry summer with trepidation. Might it start raining oil instead? That’s definitely my weekend prediction, bearing in mind the mercury will be soaring past 25 degrees.

Monday

Twenty-six degrees. I guess that will require the office air-con, and we all know how energy intensive they are.

Tuesday

Twenty-seven degrees. Apparently, a tipping point past which we’ll all be subconsciously inclined to leave the TV on standby.

Wednesday

Thirty degrees. Very hot for May. Surely that will force us all to drive our 4x4s recklessly around our city centres until infuriated environmentalists key them down the passenger side.

Thursday

I’m not sure if I like this anymore. Thirty-two degrees? If, as I fear, this will cause us to start eating coal and drinking petrol, I may have to start advocating cold weather.

Friday

Now I’m thoroughly confused. The sun’s solar output is at its lowest level for 100 years, according to all the evidence ever compiled by scientists, yet EasyJet’s treasurer reckons the sun is hotter then ever and that we should all start flying to Egypt.

Who do I believe? I guess all will be revealed on Friday when the 45-degree temperatures should see all of the Earth’s remaining oil reserves spewed into the sky by a super-volcano.




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