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We need people in tailored suits, not tracksuits

McDonald's billboard on decrepit buildingI’ll admit, I wasn’t looking forward to covering London 2012. The only sport I play is golf, and prior to last month I’d never been beyond Zone 2 on the tube. But it’s actually not so bad out in the East End.

The Olympic venues are nice and spacious, with lots of spare seats for me to put my feet up on. It’s easy to get around in a car by driving in the special Olympic lanes for just £130 a time. And this morning I was rung up by my mate Boris Johnson who said he wanted to give me 250 all-access tickets as a “thank you” for getting him re-elected.


Boris said he needed my help to make the arenas look full for TV, or else his mate Seb Coe might have to start giving away free tickets to chavs. We can’t let that happen, he said, when this is basically a two-week advert for the City. We need people in tailored suits, not tracksuits. Don’t worry, I said, I know who to call.


Apparently the reason the venues haven’t been full so far is because a work experience at McDonald’s accidently dropped the fast-food chain’s ticketing shipment into a meat grinder. Now you know why the Big Macs in the Olympic Park taste like cardboard.


McDonald’s loss is my gain. I rang up Mohammed Al-Fayed and told him to give my tickets away to any female shopper who spends more than £15,000 at Harrods and is also single and aged between 16 and 25. Don’t worry, I’ve also saved a ticket for anyone who can tell me where in the athlete’s village the US gym team are staying.


Using an all-access pass will save me the hassle of bribing the security guys or impersonating BBC television presenters to get in. They don’t really ask that many questions anyway. So long as you’re not wearing a T-shirt that says ‘Seb Coe can lick Pepsi off my balls’ they’ll let you take in as many knives as you need. Or at least that’s what it says in the official programme.


Better be careful if you’re wearing Nike trainers as well, come to think of it. I saw one guy get thrown into the middle of a heavyweight Greco-Roman wrestling practice session because he refused to put his offending shoes into a container marked ‘eBay’.


Well, it should be a great two weeks for people like me. If, however, you’re stuck at home because you’re not a top dog for an Olympic sponsor and you couldn’t afford to make a high-enough bid on the ticket ballot because you’ve been made redundant because the official Olympic bank has spent all of Britain’s money on sponsoring sports events, then fear not. Just follow @taxman_online on Twitter and I will be providing more misogynist updates on London 2012 than you’re ever going to want.


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