That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough

Posted date: November 17, 2007 In: Weather

Following the death of my ex-wife, I’ve been enjoying some of the finer things in life.

Short-haul flights to Barcelona, driving my 4×4, and, of course, shooting foxes. Anything to take my mind off the dark shadow soon to be cast over my life. No, not the legal dispute with my ex-mother-in-law, I refer instead to the horrid time of year known as winter.

Weekend

Jesus it’s going to be cold. That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough. Temperatures will be plummeting into single figures in London. I don’t really care what it’s going to be like anywhere else.

Monday

Colder still. I think I might take the day off, this weather is bringing me down with something.

Tuesday

If you thought Monday was bad, you’ll be overdosing on anti-depressants when I tell you about Tuesday’s weather. Just do it.

Wednesday

If you haven’t committed suicide, you’ll be committing homicide on Wednesday. I know I will. I need to find out where my ex mother-in-law lives.

Thursday

Okay, if you’re not dead or in prison, Thursday looks like giving you some relief. Perhaps just the two patio-heaters will be needed as you enjoy that ‘last ever’ cigarette in the pub beer-garden. I keep meaning to write to that guy who invented patio heaters. Bloody brilliant they are.

Friday

The end of the week appears to provide a ray of hope that winter might not be that bad after all. Maybe global warming really is kicking in. I tell you what, according to the news, pollution from flying is to blame. Excellent – another excuse for a holiday! I’m going to Barbados!

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We're the only hope you've got!

Can't find work? Had your benefits taken away? Been made homeless? You probably think there's a major political party out there which can stop the Con-Dem Coalition in its tracks.

Well, you're almost right! The Labour Party is back and we're going to try and solve one of your problems, and create a couple more for luck, because we're nice like that. But don't just take our word for it. Look at our track record.

The first Labour government in 1924 built half-a-million homes for rent by the working class. Our government of 1945-1951 created the welfare state and the National Health Service. In the 1960s we legalised homosexuality and abortion. Weren't we awesome 50 years ago?

Ok, so, in the 70s there were loads of power cuts and strikes and a loan from the IMF. We got booted out after a vote of no confidence in 1979 and couldn't get back into power in the 1980s despite the spawn of Satan occupying Number 10. When we returned in 1997 we deregulated the banks, privatised anything that moved, launched an illegal war, took away your civil rights and gave £50billion to a bunch of crooks.

But look, we've changed a little. We're run by Ed Miliband and Ed Balls now. Neither of us supported any of the bad things the last Labour government did to further our careers. No, this is a different Labour Party, run by different people with different agendas.

We've learned from the mistakes of the people from that last fascist Labour government, who weren't the same people as us. We'll never ever take our founding principles and flush them down the toilet, in the same way they did. In fact, Harriet Harman is retrieving them right now with a plunger.

This is why, if you vote for us in 2015, we're going to do something different to what the Con-Dem Coalition is doing right now. Not substantially different, but different enough.