That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough

Following the death of my ex-wife, I’ve been enjoying some of the finer things in life.

Short-haul flights to Barcelona, driving my 4×4, and, of course, shooting foxes. Anything to take my mind off the dark shadow soon to be cast over my life. No, not the legal dispute with my ex-mother-in-law, I refer instead to the horrid time of year known as winter.

Weekend

Jesus it’s going to be cold. That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough. Temperatures will be plummeting into single figures in London. I don’t really care what it’s going to be like anywhere else.

Monday

Colder still. I think I might take the day off, this weather is bringing me down with something.

Tuesday

If you thought Monday was bad, you’ll be overdosing on anti-depressants when I tell you about Tuesday’s weather. Just do it.

Wednesday

If you haven’t committed suicide, you’ll be committing homicide on Wednesday. I know I will. I need to find out where my ex mother-in-law lives.

Thursday

Okay, if you’re not dead or in prison, Thursday looks like giving you some relief. Perhaps just the two patio-heaters will be needed as you enjoy that ‘last ever’ cigarette in the pub beer-garden. I keep meaning to write to that guy who invented patio heaters. Bloody brilliant they are.

Friday

The end of the week appears to provide a ray of hope that winter might not be that bad after all. Maybe global warming really is kicking in. I tell you what, according to the news, pollution from flying is to blame. Excellent – another excuse for a holiday! I’m going to Barbados!