That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough

Posted date: November 17, 2007 In: Weather

Following the death of my ex-wife, I’ve been enjoying some of the finer things in life.

Short-haul flights to Barcelona, driving my 4×4, and, of course, shooting foxes. Anything to take my mind off the dark shadow soon to be cast over my life. No, not the legal dispute with my ex-mother-in-law, I refer instead to the horrid time of year known as winter.

Weekend

Jesus it’s going to be cold. That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough. Temperatures will be plummeting into single figures in London. I don’t really care what it’s going to be like anywhere else.

Monday

Colder still. I think I might take the day off, this weather is bringing me down with something.

Tuesday

If you thought Monday was bad, you’ll be overdosing on anti-depressants when I tell you about Tuesday’s weather. Just do it.

Wednesday

If you haven’t committed suicide, you’ll be committing homicide on Wednesday. I know I will. I need to find out where my ex mother-in-law lives.

Thursday

Okay, if you’re not dead or in prison, Thursday looks like giving you some relief. Perhaps just the two patio-heaters will be needed as you enjoy that ‘last ever’ cigarette in the pub beer-garden. I keep meaning to write to that guy who invented patio heaters. Bloody brilliant they are.

Friday

The end of the week appears to provide a ray of hope that winter might not be that bad after all. Maybe global warming really is kicking in. I tell you what, according to the news, pollution from flying is to blame. Excellent – another excuse for a holiday! I’m going to Barbados!

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Eat, drink, consume!

Is your government failing to cope with basic social problems such as crime, suicide, mental health and obesity? Do they rule by fear, and control by aggression? Then you'll probably want to avoid society's failures and climb the hierarchy as quickly as possible to leave those problems behind.

And do you feel inferior compared to your peers? Don't you just want to look down on your friends and work colleagues? Are you so insecure and so unloved that you can't feel good about yourself unless you have more and higher quality possessions than they do?

Well, don't worry, because we have just the answer: Consumption, and lots of it!

Yes that's right, consuming goods and services as fast and as often as possible is the best solution to all of your self-esteem issues.

Short of money? Career not going so well? Don't fret. Credit cards, overdrafts, loans, petty theft, drug dealing, fraud, organised crime; do whatever it takes to climb the ladder and attain the social status that you need to feel good about yourself in this wretched, hollow society we live in.

Still not satisfied? Still feel inferior? Well you might as well get addicted to something. If you can't hack it, the government's not going to help. So just drink, take drugs, gamble, over-eat, or kill yourself.

After all, this is the free market. This is capitalism. This is unrestrained, never-ending economic growth. In our world, under our roof, the only route to happiness is consumption. All other options are socially unacceptable. Without consuming, you'll be no one. You'll be nowhere.

So don't risk getting left behind. Do whatever it takes to keep up with the pack. Neglect your family, ignore your friends, cease caring about the world around you and the people you share this planet with.

What matters is that you look and feel better than everyone else. What matters is consumption.

That global warming thing can’t happen quick enough

Weekend

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

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