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Kensington needs flood defences, too

A puddleI haven’t even left my penthouse so far this winter. I don’t like rain, you see, and, well, it’s been drizzling, hasn’t it?

But there’s one area of the country the Environment Agency seems to have completely forgotten about. Now they’re making 1,500 job cuts, I fear it will be washed away altogether.

It’s a huge scandal.

There are absolutely dozens of overflowing drains all over Kensington.


I once spent £15,000 on therapy to try and help cure my hydrophobia – a fear of precipitation. It didn’t work. I missed most of the sessions because it was looking a bit overcast outside. So who’s going to come help me now that the buses on Kensington High Street are splashing rainwater all over my intercom?


I tell you, the puddles are out of control. The biggest one was just after Monsoon. I dread to think what it’s like around Sloane Square. No matter what happens anywhere else, they always get it bad down there.


How is anyone in west London supposed to do their weekly clothes shop when we’re being told to avoid the coats? What do they expect us to do, wear a waterproof jumper and stick to the lingerie section?


Every time I turn the telly on these days, all I hear about is the huge waves pounding our seaside towns – destroying beach huts, promenades and bingo halls. To be honest, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the media bias in this country, always ignoring the places where all the important people live. Kensington needs flood defences too, you know. How else are we going to keep out the waves and waves of immigrants who want to come here to clean our houses?


That’s it, I’m done. The sooner global warming kicks in, the better. And I’m going to do everything I possibly can to make it happen.


However much money has been cut from the Environment Agency’s budget, there’s no question where the money the government has saved should be spent. A waterproof, immigrant-resistant dome over Kensington and Chelsea, and a four-runway airport in the Thames Estuary.

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