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I’m quietly formulating a plan to save the world

Laura Tobin with randomly chosen cities on a map

I’ve been thinking a lot over the summer about how humans are influencing our climate; what with all the floods, heatwaves and volcanic eruptions we’ve had. I’m even formulating a plan to save the world. But more on that later.

In the meantime, I need to concentrate on forecasting this week’s weather. All of those juicy, ripe blackberries. All of those golden, autumn leaves, falling, spiralling down to the crisp, frost-biten floor. And a fresh, cool wind blows. Yes, I definitely fucking hate this time of year.

Weekend

Oh, and to top it off, it’s fucking Halloween this weekend. That’s great, just great. There’ll be loads of little weaner kids asking me for sweets while their parents stand at the front gate, threatening me with their stare to give in and feed their ugly fat kids because they can’t be fucked to buy them a pick’n’mix. Then later in the night, the teenagers will turn up and I’ll slip them some ketamine. That’ll teach ’em.

Monday

Thank God that’s over. Jesus. I do hate fucking Mondays though. Statistically, it’s the most likely day of the week to rain. That’s because the clouds get so depressed they start crying. FACT.

Tuesday

If you are at work, look on the bright side. At least you’ve still got a job, eh? Probably not for much longer, though. I mean, the government is going to make so many people unemployed, it’s just a matter of time. Either that or you’ll be doing so many other people’s jobs, you’ll be begging them for redundancy.

Wednesday

The situation is so bad, the BBC has even started axing weathermen. Yeah, I know, bloody cheek! I mean, who do they think is going to sit around choosing which towns and cities to mark on the map? Do they think they can just let a computer do that kind of thing? Well, they’re mistaken. It’s a fine art, urban centre distribution. Can you imagine the repercussions if Newport was chosen for the same map as Merthyr Tydfil? There’d be riots!

Thursday

Holy fucking Christ, now it’s time for all that fireworks bollocks isn’t it? Sweet Mary. How is anyone going to know if there’s a drive-by shooting taking place? They’ll just think it’s a catherine wheel. Exactly the same thing happened last year in Brixton. Everyone fucking shot each other. I hope Guy Fawkes is pleased with himself. That arrogant little prick has a lot to answer for.

Friday

Thank God it’s Friday. What a relief. Now, back to that saving the world business. I’ve got an idea.

The only problem is I need to patent it first, otherwise it’ll get ripped off. So just give me a few weeks, will you? I promise it’ll be worth the wait.




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