Holy shit, it’s snowing! In winter!
Brrrrrrrrrrrrr. I’m cold, very cold. And not just because I’ve gone six days without any action.
Britain has frozen solid and is now basically just a big iceberg off the coast of France. Does this mean I can skive off work? No, you lazy retards, I’m going to give you your seven-day weather forecast, whether or not I have to get out my shovel.
Holy shit, it’s snowing! In winter! Ahhhhhhh no no no I can’t, I can’t take this right now. Dear. God. Pleeeeeeeease make it stop! Make it stooooop! Ple-e-e-e-e-e-ase, oh God, oh God, no no shit bastard fuck you cunts. Bitch. You bitch! You mother-fucking bitch make it stop snowing. I’ll get you back for this! I’ll get you back, you fuck!
Gatwick Airport has begun taunting Heathrow by redirecting its flight paths over their closed runways, ordering the aircraft to descend within 1,000 feet of touchdown before flashing their landing lights and continuing on to West Sussex. Heathrow has responded by telling its stranded passengers that the only way they’ll get their money back is by going to Gatwick and stealing someone else’s luggage.
Lincolnshire County Council is running out of grit, Sheffield City Council is running out of determination, the Highways Agency is out of heart and Wales has lost all its sheep.
On the M6 in Lancashire, the emergency services have begun rounding up frozen drivers and taking them to a nearby recycling centre where they are being churned in a blender to produce more grit for the surviving motorists who remembered to bring a sodding blanket with them.
Hospitals in Kent have started providing medical training for patients to perform their own operations. Because so many doctors are now invisible in their white coats, NHS Kent decided that fast-track medical degrees for patients with broken bones would be a quicker way of clearing the backlog than just letting them die on trolleys.
Phew, thank fuck that’s over. What? What’s that? It’s Christmas? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Tell you what, when I save the world and they put me in charge, I’m going to ban all seasonal holidays. That’s right. The only day you’ll be allowed to celebrate is my birthday: 25th December. See how you like that.
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