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Heavens above, why do you curse us with this rain?

A replenished reservoir

The Taxman has finally splashed the cash and hired a meteorologist: Me, Jim Wetherman.

I shall be providing some extremely irregular seven-day weather forecasts that will hopefully provide you, dear readers, with the perspicacious knowledge required to prepare for the week ahead.

Weekend

I am delighted to report that it will be a dry and sunny weekend with temperatures in the low 40s around most southern parts. If you want to catch those rays, which may or may not give you skin cancer later in life, head down to the south coast where you’ll be able to catch at least 20 hours of sunshine from a cloudless sky.

Monday

An area of high pressure continues to give us some glorious weather, guaranteeing an enjoyable journey to work, where you’ll arrive with your shirt sticking to your chest and a bright red face.

Tuesday

There may be some ominous looking clouds in the sky which will be a concern to many, but there’s no need to mention the r-word just yet. Fingers crossed it will stay dry overnight, but you better get on your knees and pray just to be safe. Temperatures remain high so expect to wake up in a pool of your own sweat once more. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Wednesday

Things take an almighty turn for the worse on Wednesday as that area of high pressure has by now moved on to central Europe, so those continental bastards can steal our sunshine. Yes there will be showers in some places, but most of those places are up north so not to worry just yet. The rest of us can expect a breezy start and temperatures in the late 20s. Better put a sweater on.

Thursday

Yup, you guessed it. We knew it would happen. It’s going to bloody rain on Thursday, even in London. Heavens above, why do you curse us with this rain? Why?! Get your umbrellas out.

Friday

Rain, rain, rain – all bloody day. I can’t stand it anymore! Lush, green grass; fast-flowing streams; clean, fresh air; replenished reservoirs; thriving crops; the key to life on Earth; I’ve had enough! I’m emigrating to Mali where it doesn’t rain at all and life’s just one big barbecue. Enjoy wet and rainy Britain, you losers.

And that’s your seven-day forecast. Have a great week!




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