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Climate change doesn’t kill people. Weather does.

Australians in a fireAlright, that’s it. Enough already. I’m bored of this now. Time to lay down a few ‘facts’ about climate change.

You listening? Well that’s your first mistake. Because I’m writing, not talking. And I’m writing hard.

Monday

Look. Look up at the sky. See that? See the crystalised water droplets falling, slowly, from those big black clouds? Yes, you do. And it’s called snow. There’s lots of it on the way this week, and it’s just one of the many reasons why man-made climate change absolutely positively is not happening. Whatsoever.

Tuesday

Contrary to a lot of scaremongering articles I’ve been reading since new year, 2012 was NOT the wettest year in the UK ever recorded. It was the second wettest. In fact, it was only the wettest year in England, which doesn’t count because it’s not an independent state.

Wednesday

Now, I hate the Meteorological Office as much as the next weather guy who’s been turned down for one of their ‘internships’, but I’ll give them credit where credit is due. Last week, they finally came clean. Their climate models have exaggerated global warming predictions. Of course, I’ve known this all along because I’m not an idiot. And as I have to keep reminding people, whatever climate change there might have been STOPPED last year. Got it? Try to keep up, people.

Thursday

Don’t you think, if climate change was a real problem, that our politicians would be treating it as such? There was a time in the recent past when they couldn’t stop talking about it, but now, not a peep. You know why? Because it’s not a problem any more, you morons! Those forest fires in Australia are a case in point. They must surely have something to do with climate change, right? WRONG! You can’t light a fire just by making somewhere hot. You need a lighter or a match, for fuck’s sake. And correct me if I’m wrong, but Australia is full of drunk people with lighters and matches. Right? Am I right? Tell me I’m right. You know it.

Friday

Now then, the Arctic. Last summer it reached its lowest ice extent for centuries. Or so the media told us. See, the media likes to drum up these big scare stories to make more sales but these are exactly the same newspapers which told you 9/11 was Al Qaeda’s fault and Lady Diana died ‘in an accident’. What the media conveniently forgot to tell us was that ice in the Antarctic reached a record high last year, because it was so damn cold. And have any of you fools bothered to look how much ice there is in the Arctic RIGHT NOW? No? Well, let me tell you. The ice is back. All of it. So stop panicking.

Weekend

Climate change doesn’t kill people. Weather does. There’s a difference. When it rains a lot and some idiot tries to drive under a bridge and the road collapses on top of him because of the weight of the water and the mudslides and the houses being swept into the sea, he’s died because of the severe weather, not climate change. And because he’s an idiot driving a shit car.



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