Apparently, the word ‘smog’ is an acronym for Sado-Masochistic Olympic Games

Welcome to Beijing. I’ve been sent here by those sadistic bastards back at The Taxman, who told me that it would be scorchingly hot and packed full of cheap, easy women.

They were right – but what they forgot to mention was that, as an asthmatic, I wouldn’t be able to leave my hotel room. Here’s the seven-day forecast.

Weekend

So I suppose you want to know how the weather here will be affecting our Olympic athletes as they compete in all manner of pointless pursuits. Well, if it’s affecting them in the same way as it’s affecting me, they’ll be lying in bed crippled and barely able to order room service.

Monday

The smog will clear today just in time to see a pig fly across the Beijing sky.

Tuesday

It’s going to be a glorious day for those athletes competing indoors. Acid rain will put a dampener on events elsewhere.

Wednesday

Apparently, the word ‘smog’ is an acronym for Sado-Masochistic Olympic Games. Shame the ladies of Beijing aren’t similarly inclined.

Thursday

I’m going to venture outdoors today, as I resolve to see at least a slice of the beach volleyball action down at Chaoyang Park.

Friday

Welcome to Beijing hospital.