Apparently, the word ‘smog’ is an acronym for Sado-Masochistic Olympic Games

Posted date: August 09, 2008 In: Weather

Welcome to Beijing. I’ve been sent here by those sadistic bastards back at The Taxman, who told me that it would be scorchingly hot and packed full of cheap, easy women.

They were right – but what they forgot to mention was that, as an asthmatic, I wouldn’t be able to leave my hotel room. Here’s the seven-day forecast.

Weekend

So I suppose you want to know how the weather here will be affecting our Olympic athletes as they compete in all manner of pointless pursuits. Well, if it’s affecting them in the same way as it’s affecting me, they’ll be lying in bed crippled and barely able to order room service.

Monday

The smog will clear today just in time to see a pig fly across the Beijing sky.

Tuesday

It’s going to be a glorious day for those athletes competing indoors. Acid rain will put a dampener on events elsewhere.

Wednesday

Apparently, the word ‘smog’ is an acronym for Sado-Masochistic Olympic Games. Shame the ladies of Beijing aren’t similarly inclined.

Thursday

I’m going to venture outdoors today, as I resolve to see at least a slice of the beach volleyball action down at Chaoyang Park.

Friday

Welcome to Beijing hospital.

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It could be nothing, but it'll probably be cataclysmic!

Have you ever seen someone who looks dodgy? Did they have a weird haircut, an odd-shaped nose or dark skin? Did they smell a bit funny or were they making odd noises? Were they also carrying a rucksack?

Did you walk past this person and do nothing more than pinch your nose and cover your eyes? Did you just keep your fingers crossed and hope they wouldn't lynch you? Did you breathe a sigh of relief once the coast was clear?

Well, it may have been the case that this person was a terrorist. This person could have been on their way to committing an act of violent suicide with the full intent of hurting and maiming others. It may be that this person was carrying a gun, an axe or a spoon that they were about to use on an unsuspecting baby.

It may even have been the case that this person, whom you walked past and did nothing to impede, went on to blow up an orphanage or an old people's home. You had the chance to stop that person in their tracks, but you didn't.

You could have been a life-saver, a hero, the foil to an act of genocide that would have seen you lauded across the media and receive an award from Carol Vorderman on the Pride of Britain Awards.

Instead, you sought only to protect yourself. You're a selfish, treasonous narcissist. But we'll let you off - on one condition. Next time you see someone with scuffed shoes or a nose stud, report it to the police via our special Anti Terrorism Hotline on 0999 999 9999.

Your call will be handled in strict confidence. Tell us what the suspect looked like, where they were going and how foreign they were and we'll discreetly eliminate them from existence.

Your call could save literally trillions of human lives, and afterwards you'll be able to tell your friends that you helped stop the next 9/11. Thank you for your assistance, and godspeed.

Apparently, the word ‘smog’ is an acronym for Sado-Masochistic Olympic Games

Weekend

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

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