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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

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Second-Home Owners ‘Unable To Get On Third-Home Ladder’

A shortfall in housing is pricing out many potential first-time third-home buyers.

The decline in the supply of affordable mansions and a sharp rise in the viewing figures for Escape to the Country have combined to create a ‘perfect storm’ in the market for multiple dwellings.

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Fat Cats Lose Fight To Occupy City Of London

The British people have won their High Court bid to evict occupying kleptocrats from the City of London.

Laundering businessmen of the City, who protect the interests of the wealthy elite through an unaccountable plutocracy and a coterie of security personnel, have been squatting on our land since the 12th Century.

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“From Now On, We Only Employ Murderers,” Orders Fox

Anyone who isn’t already a trained assassin has been kicked out of the Armed Forces.

The Ministry of Defence (MOD) today fired 11,000 non-lethal RAF, Navy and Army personnel out of a cannon and into the North Sea.

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Where the fuck do they think they’re going?

This world is on the brink, but its leaders have decided to call it a day. ‘Two weeks in Mexico was lovely and everything, but it’s time we went home to continue oppressing our citizens.’

A partial agreement to sort of hopefully reduce global carbon emissions by an unspecified amount within an uncertain period of time without any concrete method of doing so is a perfectly acceptable way to end the 16th annual UN climate change conference for the unfairly elected governments of this world.

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Students To Be Assaulted By Ministers Daily

University students in England and Wales will have to endure a daily beating by ministers, the government has announced.

The compulsory assaults will be targeted at vulnerable areas of the body such as the head, abdomen and groin, with the aim to gradually wear down the student until they are hospitalised.

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