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Healthy Planet “Financially Non-Viable”

Saving the planet would cause a new financial crisis, The Taxman can exclusively reveal.

The discovery was made by the personal assistants of world leaders at the Rio+20 Earth Summit, who wrote a secret document that we found buried under a whale carcass on Copacabana beach.

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We don’t need anyone to make decisions and change things

There’s a dark cloud hanging over this city, and it’s threatening to rain on the people of London for four years straight. We must unite against this threat, we must stick together in these tough times and fight that which would strike us down and besmirch us.

And to what form does this threat manifest itself? Why, it’s Kenneth Robert Livingstone, I presume.

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Heroic Mice Slay Evil Rats

Horrible disease-spreading rats have been heroically slain by a special breed of super mice assassins who deserve to be worshipped by all other mice.

The raid hit at the heart of the Great Evil Rat Empire and will severely weaken the resolve of their leader, Roland. His hopes of fathering a murderous rat mega-litter appear to have been dented, at least for a few minutes.

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Businessmen ‘Will Fly Around On Oats’

A new Orbital Astronomical Train (Oat) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away.

Eventually, Oat will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the Moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit.

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Government Vision for Greenless Britain

Great Britain will be tarmacked and covered by giant advertising hoardings that can be seen by air passengers from 30,000 feet in new plans announced by the government today.

Every last inch of green space on these islands will be sold off in a bid by the Department for Communities and Local Government to “get Britain’s economy growing again”.

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Badgers Agree To Cull Humans In Bid To Stop Spread Of Idiocy

The nation’s top badgers have agreed to a widespread cull of human beings in a bid to stop rampant idiocy getting out of control.

The move was made amid fears that humans are passing their idiocy down the food chain to more important animals such as earthworms and hedgehogs.

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BP Plugs Oil Leak With £50 Notes

British Petroleum has finally plugged the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico by stuffing it full of rolled fifties.

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