London 2012 may not be hit by a deadly wave of suicide bombings after Al-Qaeda admitted it passed its responsibility for terrorism to a private contractor.

The revelation came as the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games (Locog) staged a practice drill for a terrorist attack during the opening ceremony, at which bomb-laden martyrs were expected to rip a hole in the Olympic Stadium.

Two weeks of joy and bliss and happiness are looming upon our horizon.

All will be well and fine and good and the only thing that matters is who can run the fastest, jump the highest, throw the farthest and compel a horse to complete an obstacle course in the most elegant fashion.

Every Briton under the age of 25 years must be slain, David Cameron has said.

The Prime Minister believes any citizen born after 1987 does not have the right to life and should be violently exterminated forthwith.

Horrible disease-spreading rats have been heroically slain by a special breed of super mice assassins who deserve to be worshipped by all other mice.

The raid hit at the heart of the Great Evil Rat Empire and will severely weaken the resolve of their leader, Roland. His hopes of fathering a murderous rat mega-litter appear to have been dented, at least for a few minutes.

US President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

Anyone who isn’t already a trained assassin has been kicked out of the Armed Forces.