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Gaza Doesn’t Exist and Neither Does Your Mother, IDF Spokesperson Claims

We’re all a bunch of Jew-hating Nazis who deserve to die and if we say anything nasty about Israel again we’re going to be sorry, very sorry.

That was the stern “off-the-record” warning to journalists today from Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has also just offered us half-price tickets to the World Cup Final and a free bottle of Kosher wine.

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Calls for Inquiry Into Iraq Inquiry

Campaigners have called for an inquiry to hear evidence that the Iraq War Inquiry is illegal and should not be taking place.

Nothing has yet been discovered about the war which was not already bleeding fucking obvious to a blindfolded monkey, while the key protagonists of the atrocity have been subjected to nothing more than a severe armpit tickling.

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Arms Dealer Admits Putting Profits Before Death

Weapons manufacturer BAE Systems has admitted the pursuit of profit is more important than its other activities, such as war, genocide and worsening child mortality rates.

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War On Peace

Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

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Tony Blair Mauled By Pitbull Terrier

A Pitbull Terrier fatally mauled Tony Blair on his return to Britain from holiday in Florida, yesterday afternoon.

The incident occurred as Blair stepped off his plane at Heathrow Airport. According to airport staff, the dog ‘came out of nowhere’ and ‘seemed somewhat hungry’.

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Rumsfeld Appointed As New Attack Secretary

US president George W. Bush has responded to devastating defeats in the polls this week by appointing ex defence secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, into the newly-created position of ‘attack secretary’.

Rumsfeld, who resigned on Wednesday, was hastily brought back into the administration on Thursday by the president as he announced his new exit strategy from Iraq.

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