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Assad Don’t Kill People, Drones Do

US President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

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Memorial Service for 9/11 Survivors Who Endured Last Ten Years

The 2,977 people killed by terrorists on 11th September 2001 marked the tenth anniversary of their deaths today with a sombre ceremony to remember those unfortunate survivors who have had to live through the last gruesome decade.

Scarcely able to comprehend their luck at avoiding the Bush presidency, the War on Terror, the erosion of civil liberties, the rise of stringent airport security, the proliferation of media scare stories, the greatest recession since the 1930s, the Tea Party, Simon Cowell and the worst effects of man-made climate change, 9/11 victims momentarily ceased their non-stop Afterlife party to reflect on the horror since suffered by those who didn’t die in the attacks.

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Oil Firms Slam Gaddafi On Human Rights

The world’s top oil firms have united to condemn Colonel Gaddafi’s ‘appalling’ record on human rights in Libya.

The Oil Firms Against Libya (OFAL) collective said today that dropping bombs on innocent civilians in the desert nation was about ending their suffering, and ending their suffering only.

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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

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Refugees Fleeing Torture ‘Wimps’

Asylum seekers, refugees and all immigrants that look a bit tanned are just cowards too scared of getting their genitalia hacked off, David Cameron told a group of Daily Mail readers yesterday.

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Blair Placed On ‘Gardening Leave’ From Middle East Peacemaking Job

British warmonger, Tony Blair, has been ordered by his employers to stand down from his role as envoy for peace to the Middle East after it emerged that he was underperforming in a number of his key job tasks.

The violent killing of protesters in Libya, following the violent protests in Bahrain, following the violent revolution in Egypt, following the violent overthrow of Tunisia’s president, following decades of Western-funded violence using Western-manufactured weapons, was not the kind of progress UN secretary-general, Ban Ki-moon, had been hoping for when he helped appoint Blair as the region’s peace envoy in 2007.

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War On Truth

Nato launched a new military strategy this week, one they claim will redefine the way we all perceive our ephemeral reality.

The ‘War on Truth’ will attack our very state of consciousness, infiltrating our minds and skewing our rational thought processes.

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