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I have seen the future

For two weeks in Copenhagen, I have been listening to world leaders and environment ministers on how they intend to tackle climate change. I have also heard from leading climate scientists and environmental thinkers, for the first time in my life, on the actual extent of the threat we face.

Thankfully, this did not deny me the time to scout for Danish talent. Because the science, surprisingly, is eminently simple, and the governments of the world are astonishingly short on solutions. So taking all of this into account, I now present my first seven-decade forecast. I have seen the future.

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Obama Thinks Americans Can Go Shove Their Healthcare

US President Barack Obama wished this week that the millions of moronic, idiot Americans protesting against his plans to give them better healthcare should go die somewhere quietly and leave him in peace.

In a dramatic departure from his conciliatory speeches urging unity and calm on the issue, Obama’s usually cool exterior was finally exposed this week when brain waves intercepted by The Taxman showed what the 48-year-old really thinks.

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War On Peace

Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

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RIP Michael Jackson

The death of Michael Jackson has shocked me to my core, but that was nothing compared to the shock I had picking up the phone last night. “We’ve just heard that Jacko’s popped it,” the voice said. “Who’s this?” I asked. “Oh yeah, it’s The Taxman,” they replied.

Why was this shocking? Well, last time I had a call from this puplication I was told in no uncertain terms that my puerile, fatuous backside was no longer welcome around The Taxman‘s dark, cold and disease-ridden newsroom. Something about music critics, arses, elbows and rappers, I think they also said.

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Bush Passes Presidential Assassination Bill

Outgoing American president George W. Bush has passed a last-minute legislative bill allowing for the assassination of the US president from Wednesday onwards.

In his last act as commander in chief, Bush said he was delighted to offer “hope for the future” to the millions of racists, sexists, homophobes, xenophobes, millionaires, hunters, gatherers, cavemen, cowboys and fascists who have supported him during his eight-year term.

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Queen Insecure About Living In Palace

The Queen admitted last week that the economic downturn leaves her waking up in a hot sweat at 4am every morning, while often having nightmares that the crown jewels have been lost to a giant Ponzi scheme.

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Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals

Disasters of epic proportions are currently hitting the Western World regions of Wall Street and The City, with thousands of capitalist profiteers no longer wearing their suits.

In what is collectively being dubbed ‘the credit crunch’, where once there were puppet-masters smiling and dancing free atop great mountains of pretty green paper; there now lie cold, dark, empty vaults.

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