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Evidence Of Foreign Invasions Found In Palestine, Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Dominican Republic, Panama, Grenada, Kuwait, Iraq, Lebanon, Bosnia, Serbia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, More

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.

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Winter Olympic Event Banned In Russia

Vladimir Putin has agreed to cancel a Winter Olympic event and move it to Canada after pressure from gay activists.

The Russian prime minister said he was happy to transfer the men’s figure skating event to Vancouver for the 2014 Games, but vowed that all other “legitimate” sports would take place in Sochi in February as originally planned.

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Intercepting Edward Snowden ‘More Difficult Than Phone Calls’

Intercepting actual real people is a lot more difficult than electronic communications, the White House has admitted.

Officials say that because whistleblower and fugitive Edward Snowden is constructed of flesh, blood and bone, instead of electromagnetic radiation or binary coding, he is considerably more difficult to get hold of.

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Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay

The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.

The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.

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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

About 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

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Poo On The Queen

Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II has been covered by faeces.

The excrement is positioned on the monarch’s head but has also splattered on to other areas of her well-dressed anatomy, as well as to one or more of Her Majesty’s close relatives.

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Assad Don’t Kill People, Drones Do

US President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

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