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Third TV Leaders’ Debate To Be Staged Inside 16ft Steel Cage

The leaders of Britain’s top three political parties will contest the third and final live television debate inside a 16-foot steel cage, under the authority of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

The move is seen as an attempt to encourage Gordon Brown, Nick Clegg and David Cameron to annihilate each other prior to the General Election on 6th May.


Simon Cowell: Helping Haiti

What? What’s this? Simon Cowell is doing something selfless? Out of the goodness of his heart? What?

Surely, there must be some mistake. This can’t possibly be a not-for-profit charity single in aid of the Haiti earthquake fund. This is a Simon Cowell project.


How the hell do you poison a vegan?

What a year’s it’s been. First I lost the coy carp, then I got some new coy carp, then I got married, then I went to Australia, then I went to Mexico and got really, really sick, then I went to Barbados, then I went to Hawaii for a crucial World Meteorologist Rain Avoidance Conference, now I’m back in Blighty and apparently the new wife wants a new divorce!

Well, I said, so long as I get to keep the coy carp I don’t give a damn.


Colourful Language Not Welcome On Our Fascist TV Programmes, Says BBC

The BBC has this morning expressed its regret that a special fascist edition of Question Time was last night littered with rude, offensive swear words.

The producers of the show say they had to bleep the words ‘fucking’ and ‘cunt’ because they did not comply with the corporation’s policy on the use of colourful language during fascist programming.


Obama Thinks Americans Can Go Shove Their Healthcare

US President Barack Obama wished this week that the millions of moronic, idiot Americans protesting against his plans to give them better healthcare should go die somewhere quietly and leave him in peace.

In a dramatic departure from his conciliatory speeches urging unity and calm on the issue, Obama’s usually cool exterior was finally exposed this week when brain waves intercepted by The Taxman showed what the 48-year-old really thinks.


I’m freezing my fucking balls off

Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you’re glad you didn’t spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don’t mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again and rebuke my previous report.

I have to say, there’s nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you’ve got to taste their dog food, it’s something else.

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