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Simon Cowell: Helping Haiti

What? What’s this? Simon Cowell is doing something selfless? Out of the goodness of his heart? What?

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How the hell do you poison a vegan?

What a year’s it’s been. First I lost the coy carp, then I got some new coy carp, then I got married, then I went to Australia, then I went to Mexico and got really, really sick, then I went to Barbados, then I went to Hawaii for a crucial World Meteorologist Rain Avoidance Conference, now I’m back in Blighty and apparently the new wife wants a new divorce!

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Obama Thinks Americans Can Go Shove Their Healthcare

US President Barack Obama wished this week that the millions of moronic, idiot Americans protesting against his plans to give them better healthcare should go die somewhere quietly and leave him in peace.

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I’m freezing my fucking balls off

Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you’re glad you didn’t spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don’t mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again and rebuke my previous report.

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