Spring has arrived at last. But even better than that, the patent has come through on my idea that will save the world. Yes, that’s right. I, Jim Wetherman, am ready to launch the Big World Saving Plan.

Duran Duran are at number one, everyone’s got shit haircuts and corporation tax is getting slashed, George Osborne has announced.

The director-general of the BBC has moved to quell the latest furore over the corporation’s impartiality by categorically denying any bias towards honest, fact-based journalism.

University students in England and Wales will have to endure a daily beating by ministers, the government has announced.

The compulsory assaults will be targeted at vulnerable areas of the body such as the head, abdomen and groin, with the aim to gradually wear down the student until they are hospitalised.

Global warming is a myth invented by the world’s rich and powerful, we all admitted today.

Welcome to South Africa. Once again, The Taxman have sent me packing on a trip to some random country in the middle of some random continent because, apparently, there is something important happening out here.

Gallons of Australian semen exploded all over Britain today, leaving a sticky stain on the country’s soul.