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Barclays ATP World Tour Finals

I’ve been in quarantine for the last few months; barred from writing, talking or farting about anything to do with music.

That’s because I’m a Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge, and it’s not good form to be seen to comment on a competition that one is involved in deciding the outcome of.

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These pills will make you healthy!

Are you 100 percent healthy? Have you never met a doctor? Have you never felt pain? No?

Are you able to run as fast as James Ellington? Jump as far as JJ Jegede? Swim as fast as Mark Foster? No idea who these people are?

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Why isn’t Gareth Bale mining coal?

Sorry for the late weather forecast. I usually type them up on a Monday you see, but yesterday I was somewhat incapacitated with rage. The source of my pulmonary embolism was a Welsh football player called Gareth Bale.

Monday was what people in the football industry call “transfer deadline day”. I prefer to call it “transferring money to the undeserving day”.

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Winter Olympic Event Banned In Russia

Vladimir Putin has agreed to cancel a Winter Olympic event and move it to Canada after pressure from gay activists.

The Russian prime minister said he was happy to transfer the men’s figure skating event to Vancouver for the 2014 Games, but vowed that all other “legitimate” sports would take place in Sochi in February as originally planned.

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Baby Prince Faces Certain Future

The newborn Prince George of Cambridge faces a certain future, according to facts.

Although for the moment parents Kate and Wills can never be quite sure when the third-in-line to the throne is going to piss all over them mid nappy change, if there’s ever been anything in life that’s certain, it’s that this kid is never going to owe money to the Student Loan Company.

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The Germans are good for nothing

The Germans. Don’t you just hate them? They talk funny, they’re well organised, and then there was that Holocaust thing to boot.

No wonder everyone in Britain loathes them. Whether it’s gassing Jews, building great cars or bailing out Greece, there’s no shortage of reasons to hate the Krauts.

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