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Cameron Asks Clegg To Resign

Prime Minister David Cameron has marked the coalition’s first anniversary with a request for his deputy Nick Clegg to resign.

The shocking move comes just days after the Conservative Party triumphed over the Liberal Democrats with a resounding victory in the referendum on voting reform.

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Take That: Progress

Oh yeah, so right, The Taxman have asked me to review another album for them. They asked me to find something fresh, the new sound for 2011.

Problem is, I rang up Virgin Megastore and they said all the stuff that’s been released so far this year is shwack, so I said, “fine, just give me something from last year, no one will notice”.

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Holy shit, it’s snowing! In winter!

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr. I’m cold, very cold. And not just because I’ve gone six days without any action.

Britain has frozen solid and is now basically just a big iceberg off the coast of France. Does this mean I can skive off work? No, you lazy retards, I’m going to give you your seven-day weather forecast, whether or not I have to get out my shovel.

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Clegg’s “Sorrow” for Cuts Abuse Victims

Nick Clegg says he is deeply sorry for the public spending scandal that has hit his party this year, but has vowed to continue increasing unemployment and spreading Aids around the world because “it is the right thing to do”.

Speaking at the Liberal Democrat conference in Liverpool, the defiant Deputy Prime Minister said that the government’s public sector cuts were “regrettable” but “entirely necessary” if the coalition was to succeed in ridding Britain of homosexual sin.

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Skunk Anansie: Wonderlustre

Last night I had a music dream about Grant Nicholas. There I was, stroking his guitar, licking his microphone, running my hand up and down his G-string. It was the most stimulating night’s sleep I’d had since Freddy Mercury was alive.

Then, The Taxman had to go ruin it by ringing me up at ridiculous’o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon, asking me to review the new Skunk Anansie album, Wonderlustre.

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I don’t need to know the offside rule to know that this World Cup has been fucking hijacked

Welcome to South Africa. Once again, The Taxman have sent me packing on a trip to some random country in the middle of some random continent because, apparently, there is something important happening out here.

But what would I know about any sodding football tournament when I’m holed up here in my hotel room vomiting like a 19-year-old in a cider house on his birthday? How did they think a chronic asthmatic would feel 1,200 metres above sea level?

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Lies, damned lies and a Liberal Con

After the election of 2005, I wrote an obituary for British democracy. Now in 2010, we are promised that things will change.

Clegg and Cameron tell us our democracy will be revived, resurrected, reformed. We want to believe them, but something’s stopping us. It’s the lies. The big stinking pile of lies.

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