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Why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Apparently there was some sort of climate conference held in Qatar last week. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to put the issue back on the agenda again. Let’s face it, 2012 has been fucking freezing.

Jesus, I almost bloody drowned. So why shouldn’t we start discussing ways to start heating the Earth again? I mean, why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

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We don’t need anyone to make decisions and change things

There’s a dark cloud hanging over this city, and it’s threatening to rain on the people of London for four years straight. We must unite against this threat, we must stick together in these tough times and fight that which would strike us down and besmirch us.

And to what form does this threat manifest itself? Why, it’s Kenneth Robert Livingstone, I presume.

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Rock In Your Pocket: Gutterdub

Anyone remember when Nevermind came out and it completely changed the face of rock music?

Well, if I said that Rock In Your Pocket could come anywhere near to making that sort of impact with their new LP, I’d be lying completely.

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David Goo Variety Band: World Domination

I’ve found it, I’ve finally found it! That new sound Barclaycard has been looking for! This is a band that will dominate the world in years to come, much more so than any global banking giant capable of holding governments to ransom.

And why will this, so-called, ‘David Goo Variety Band’, dominate the world? Erm, because that’s what they sing about on their debut album. And when on Earth have lyrics ever been wrong?

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Memorial Service for 9/11 Survivors Who Endured Last Ten Years

The 2,977 people killed by terrorists on 11th September 2001 marked the tenth anniversary of their deaths today with a sombre ceremony to remember those unfortunate survivors who have had to live through the last gruesome decade.

Scarcely able to comprehend their luck at avoiding the Bush presidency, the War on Terror, the erosion of civil liberties, the rise of stringent airport security, the proliferation of media scare stories, the greatest recession since the 1930s, the Tea Party, Simon Cowell and the worst effects of man-made climate change, 9/11 victims momentarily ceased their non-stop Afterlife party to reflect on the horror since suffered by those who didn’t die in the attacks.

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Celebrities Agree Truce With Media, But We Know Nothing

Britain’s celebrities have agreed not to sue the News of the World, or any other tabloid newspaper ever again, so long as the media stops trying to overturn super, large and even regular-sized injunctions. Apparently.

You didn’t hear this from us, here at The Taxman, but the police will now stop their investigation into the Sunday paper’s phone hacking crimes, while the media will stop trying to publish anything scandalous that may or may not be the subject of any kind of injunction that we might know about but are not allowed to report on. Allegedly.

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