After the election of 2005, I wrote an obituary for British democracy. Now in 2010, we are promised that things will change.

Clegg and Cameron tell us our democracy will be revived, resurrected, reformed. We want to believe them, but something’s stopping us. It’s the lies. The big stinking pile of lies.

A fresh IMF loan has rocked Haiti this evening, even as the Caribbean nation continues to suffer from the devastation wrought by decades of previous debt repayments.

The BBC has this morning expressed its regret that a special fascist edition of Question Time was last night littered with rude, offensive swear words.

The producers of the show say they had to bleep the words ‘fucking’ and ‘cunt’ because they did not comply with the corporation’s policy on the use of colourful language during fascist programming.

Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.

The recession means that the three core values of Christmas – shopping, spending and eating – are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism’s most cherished payday.

A bin man has been cautioned by a local council for wearing sunglasses on a murky and overcast autumn day.

The caution came after a local resident made a complaint to his local council regarding the refuse lorry operative’s appearance.

Since the 7/7 bombings our prime minister has been on a mission to rid the world of terrorism.

He has updated the Terrorism Act with a new bill that is currently before the House of Commons. In it there is a modified definition of terrorism, one that Tony Blair has been trying to approve globally, and one that I have kindly summarised here for your reading pleasure.

Britain’s cities are increasingly suffering from problems caused by binge drinking.

Our town centres have become plagued in the early hours by drunken youths out for a good time, but who frequently go too far.