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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

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BBC Denies Bias Towards the Truth

The director-general of the BBC has moved to quell the latest furore over the corporation’s impartiality by categorically denying any bias towards honest, fact-based journalism.

Mark Thompson’s secretary explained in a statement today that the BBC‘s constitution forbids it from presenting anything close to an accurate representation of what is actually happening in the world.

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I predict a riot

Today has been historic. Of all the days in British political history, today will take some beating. Because on this day, the government has pledged to solve a huge financial deficit with a massive deficit of its own.

An intellectual deficit so severe it makes George Bush look like Stephen Hawking.

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Tragedy Strikes Stabbing Contest

The world’s first official stabbing contest has ended in tragedy after one of the semi-finalists was hit by a limousine outside the event’s venue.

Bradley Palembo, 13, is in a critical condition in hospital and doctors say he is unlikely to ever stab again.

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Clegg’s “Sorrow” for Cuts Abuse Victims

Nick Clegg says he is deeply sorry for the public spending scandal that has hit his party this year, but has vowed to continue increasing unemployment and spreading Aids around the world because “it is the right thing to do”.

Speaking at the Liberal Democrat conference in Liverpool, the defiant Deputy Prime Minister said that the government’s public sector cuts were “regrettable” but “entirely necessary” if the coalition was to succeed in ridding Britain of homosexual sin.

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Cameron Bald Patch ‘Should Definitely Not Be Used As a Metaphor’

Downing Street has warned journalists, bloggers and The Taxman‘s caretaker that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should the bald patch now visible on the prime minister’s cranium be used as any kind of metaphor, not even for the gaping chasm of intelligence at the heart of this new government.

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