The government has been run by chimpanzees on acid the past five years and the Tory and Lib Dem coalition was just a dream.

These are the shocking realisations millions of Britons are now making as they finally wake up to the reality of the rather less ridiculous acid-chimp scenario.

The Chief Secretary to the Treasury is made of Plasticine, according to a leaked Lib Dem document.

Danny Alexander, who lives in a small box on George Osborne’s desk, is apparently able to morph into different shapes depending on whom he is being moulded by at any given time.

England’s first wild population of beaver in 300 years has dammed parliament.

According to river sources, the resourceful rodents have built a 10-metre tall dam preventing politicians from entering Westminster.

A deal with a private contractor to provide [insert public service] for [insert government department] has collapsed, costing the taxpayer at least [£XXbillion].

The contract with [insert company name] was terminated [XX years] early after the firm ran up significant debts and suffered incalculable damage to its reputation for providing the service, widely criticised as “[insert criticism]” by the public since it began in [insert year].

Saving lives will be made illegal by a new ‘Death Bill’ currently making its way through Parliament.

Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law, should it be passed.

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.

The ‘royal’ in ‘Royal Mail’ is set to be lost after 497 years of regal service thanks to a gaggle of conspiring newspaper bosses who have stamped their authority all over our post.

Editors, led by the Daily Mail‘s Paul Dacre, have bought thousands of shares in the recently-privatised firm, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.