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Where the fuck do they think they’re going?

This world is on the brink, but its leaders have decided to call it a day. ‘Two weeks in Mexico was lovely and everything, but it’s time we went home to continue oppressing our citizens.’

A partial agreement to sort of hopefully reduce global carbon emissions by an unspecified amount within an uncertain period of time without any concrete method of doing so is a perfectly acceptable way to end the 16th annual UN climate change conference for the unfairly elected governments of this world.

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Tragedy Strikes Stabbing Contest

The world’s first official stabbing contest has ended in tragedy after one of the semi-finalists was hit by a limousine outside the event’s venue.

Bradley Palembo, 13, is in a critical condition in hospital and doctors say he is unlikely to ever stab again.

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Cameron Bald Patch ‘Should Definitely Not Be Used As a Metaphor’

Downing Street has warned journalists, bloggers and The Taxman‘s caretaker that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should the bald patch now visible on the prime minister’s cranium be used as any kind of metaphor, not even for the gaping chasm of intelligence at the heart of this new government.

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Gaza Doesn’t Exist and Neither Does Your Mother, IDF Spokesperson Claims

We’re all a bunch of Jew-hating Nazis who deserve to die and if we say anything nasty about Israel again we’re going to be sorry, very sorry.

That was the stern “off-the-record” warning to journalists today from Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who has also just offered us half-price tickets to the World Cup Final and a free bottle of Kosher wine.

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In the interest of keeping us poor

When the Bank of England lowered its base interest rates to 0.5 percent earlier this month, it was another small step toward justice.

This cut should be welcomed and celebrated – whatever the real motive behind it. Because, more than any other capitalist mechanism, interest rates exist to widen the divide between rich and poor.

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