Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II has been covered by faeces.

The excrement is positioned on the monarch’s head but has also splattered on to other areas of her well-dressed anatomy, as well as to one or more of Her Majesty’s close relatives.

When does an empire cease to be an empire? When member countries gain independence, or when their populations are no longer exploited?

According to the former definition, the British Empire concluded within a few years of the Second World War. And yet, the exploitation has continued.

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

Spring has arrived at last. But even better than that, the patent has come through on my idea that will save the world. Yes, that’s right. I, Jim Wetherman, am ready to launch the Big World Saving Plan.

Bankers will keep their bonuses this year if they are each able to find an individual of working age who doesn’t know how to use a calculator, British taxpayers have announced.

Their bonuses will be doubled if they can find a school pupil who doesn’t know the difference between an upward curve and a downward curve.

This world is on the brink, but its leaders have decided to call it a day. ‘Two weeks in Mexico was lovely and everything, but it’s time we went home to continue oppressing our citizens.’

A partial agreement to sort of hopefully reduce global carbon emissions by an unspecified amount within an uncertain period of time without any concrete method of doing so is a perfectly acceptable way to end the 16th annual UN climate change conference for the unfairly elected governments of this world.

Gallons of Australian semen exploded all over Britain today, leaving a sticky stain on the country’s soul.

Rupert Murdoch’s British media network finally let out a synchronised, screaming sigh of relief as the man they had been sleeping with for six months entered 10 Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, on Tuesday night.