The world’s top oil firms have united to condemn Colonel Gaddafi’s ‘appalling’ record on human rights in Libya.

The Oil Firms Against Libya (OFAL) collective said today that dropping bombs on innocent civilians in the desert nation was about ending their suffering, and ending their suffering only.

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

Anyone who isn’t already a trained assassin has been kicked out of the Armed Forces.

The Ministry of Defence (MOD) today fired 11,000 non-lethal RAF, Navy and Army personnel out of a cannon and into the North Sea.

Duran Duran are at number one, everyone’s got shit haircuts and corporation tax is getting slashed, George Osborne has announced.

The director-general of the BBC has moved to quell the latest furore over the corporation’s impartiality by categorically denying any bias towards honest, fact-based journalism.

Mark Thompson’s secretary explained in a statement today that the BBC‘s constitution forbids it from presenting anything close to an accurate representation of what is actually happening in the world.

British warmonger, Tony Blair, has been ordered by his employers to stand down from his role as envoy for peace to the Middle East after it emerged that he was underperforming in a number of his key job tasks.

The violent killing of protesters in Libya, following the violent protests in Bahrain, following the violent revolution in Egypt, following the violent overthrow of Tunisia’s president, following decades of Western-funded violence using Western-manufactured weapons, was not the kind of progress UN secretary-general, Ban Ki-moon, had been hoping for when he helped appoint Blair as the region’s peace envoy in 2007.

Nato launched a new military strategy this week, one they claim will redefine the way we all perceive our ephemeral reality.

The ‘War on Truth’ will attack our very state of consciousness, infiltrating our minds and skewing our rational thought processes.