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Old People More Likely To Die

Britain’s old folk are more likely to die than their younger counterparts, a chilling health report has warned.

Blanketing the over-65s with a thick veil of extreme terror, the Healthcare for Dummies article has sent chills down the spine of old people everywhere.

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Obama Thinks Americans Can Go Shove Their Healthcare

US President Barack Obama wished this week that the millions of moronic, idiot Americans protesting against his plans to give them better healthcare should go die somewhere quietly and leave him in peace.

In a dramatic departure from his conciliatory speeches urging unity and calm on the issue, Obama’s usually cool exterior was finally exposed this week when brain waves intercepted by The Taxman showed what the 48-year-old really thinks.

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Daily Mail Full Of Rubbish

The offices of the Daily Mail in Kensington, London, are full of decaying, repugnant piles of nauseating, filthy rubbish.

Now the problem has been made even worse by editor Paul Dacre’s decision to launch a campaign against wheelie bins, as thousands of bags of odious waste is sent to the Mail directly by readers.

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The Telegraph Files: Reporters’ Shoddy Journalism Techniques Revealed

Journalists at the Daily Telegraph are today implicated by The Taxman, as documents bought at a local newsagent reveal just how darn shoddy they really are.

In exchange for 90p that we would argue was 90p too much, the documents clearly show the depths to which this one-time bastion of good practice and journalistic heritage has plummeted in order to start shifting papers.

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GCSE Exams Now Easier Than Writing Headlines

Record GCSE results have prompted fresh concerns over the dumbing-down of school exams, with some papers now reportedly easier than writing pun-laden tabloid headlines and generic news stories recycled from previous years.

Today the GCSE pass-rate rose for the billionth consecutive year to 112 percent, with more A grades being served up than school dinners.

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What Cyclone? Ask Burmese Junta

Burma’s ruling military junta have denied that more than 200,000 of its people have been killed by a cyclone, claiming instead that there was no cyclone, and that the 200,000 people never existed.

“I think that if 200,000 of my own citizens had been killed, I would know about it by now, thanks very much,” said Burmese prime minister Than Shwe earlier today.

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Mindless Thugs Rebuild Community Centre

A bunch of drunken yobs completely rebuilt a Gloucestershire community centre last night, in an act of mindless violence.

Between the hours of 1 and 2am, about a dozen mindless thugs descended on to the ruined remains of the Thornbury Community Centre and set about rebuilding it from scratch, using the existing foundations to construct a post-modernist structure of fine architectural heritage.

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